Out Of My Mind Read online

  He switched on the table lamp on the end table next to the couch as he passed it, knowing otherwise he'd have to listen to her nag about him sitting in the dark again.

  But when he opened the door, his breath stalled in his chest and for a moment it felt as if the world had tilted out from under his sock-clad feet.

  For the second time in a week, he found himself unable to speak. All he could do was stare, his heart racing a marathon beneath his breastbone.

  Rafferty stood there in the dim circle of yellow light from the porch lamp, looking much the worse for wear, even more tired and beaten down than he had the last two times Nick had seen him.

  But when he looked up and met Nick's gaze, an expression of tortured agony on his face, something inside Nick turned upside down.

  In that frozen moment, in a soft, ragged voice, Rafferty said, "Can I talk to you?"

  His own emotions churning, stunned by the fact Rafferty had actually come to see him, Nick silently held open the door and let him in.

  When Nick had shut the door against the damp, blowing chill, he turned to find Rafferty only two feet away, still in the small foyer, his shoulders slumped, staring dully at the floor.

  Even with pain radiating off him, he looked sexy and beloved standing there in faded jeans, brown leather hiking boots, untucked blue denim button-down shirt over a white tee, his dark hair damp and stuck to his head. His shirt was damp, too, as if he'd come out without thinking of a jacket. It almost hurt to look at him because Nick knew he couldn't have him.

  Mose had gotten up and when he saw it was Rafferty, one of his favorite people, he padded into the foyer and bumped up against Rafferty's leg, his tail wagging.

  "Hey, boy," Rafferty whispered. He scuffed a hand over Mose's head, then scratched behind his ear.

  Content, Mose headed back into the living room to his nap, leaving them alone again.

  "I'm..." Nick's voice didn't seem to want to work properly, sounding choked and hoarse, like he really had been sick. "I'm not sure what you need from me," he said cautiously.

  "I thought I could walk away, that it would be for the best, but..." Raff's voice broke. "I know I don't have a right to come here after the way I've treated you. I know I've handled this all wrong. I thought I had everything sorted out...I tried to pretend I did anyway. But I couldn't do it."

  "It?"

  "I couldn't..." Rafferty drew in a shaky breath "I couldn't give my notice at work today."

  Nick's heart seemed to chug to a stop.

  "I'd planned to. Had planned to call the Portland PD today, too. Except...I couldn't. I took a sick day instead and I spent the day driving around, trying..."

  He finally looked up at Nick. His brown eyes conveyed a pain that tore at Nick's insides.

  "I don't know what to do, Nick. I feel like I'm losing my mind." He rubbed a shaking hand over his face, and when he pulled his hand away, it was damp. So were his eyes.

  Nick desperately wanted to read something into Raff's words, into his heartache, but was scared to. Scared of setting himself up for more hurt. Yet he couldn't stand here and watch Raff in such obvious pain either. He'd learned a long time ago that when Raff hurt, so did he.

  "What does your heart say?" Nick asked softly.

  "It says I want to be here with you." Raff met his gaze again, and the honesty Nick saw in it stole his breath. "It's been saying that all week. But then all the practical stuff would start running through my mind like a train out of control and I couldn't breathe. I panicked. So I thought I had to leave, that it was the only way, except..."

  "Except?"

  "Except I can't. And it's not the town or my job here or the fact I grew up here. I can't leave you."

  Oh, God.

  "I..." Rafferty stared down at the floor, where he scuffed his shoe on the tile. "I lied to you Saturday night. I told you I was afraid you were just a..." He winced.

  "A phase," Nick finished for him, his gut knotting at the painful memory.

  Raff nodded. "I lied because I couldn't admit the truth."

  "What's the truth?"

  His brown gaze flickered back up to meet Nick's. "The truth is...while I was in Portland last week I had a lot of time to think. And I realized something there that scared the shit out of me. I realized that, even though I maybe didn't start openly noticing you in a sexual way until a couple of months ago, I..." He swallowed hard. "I've been in love with you for much, much longer than that."

  Oh, God...oh, God.

  "Raff..."

  "No, don't say anything yet. Let me finish before I lose my nerve. When I realized it, that's when I really panicked. Because it meant what happened between us on the boat wasn't just some passing moment of uncontrolled lust brought on by adrenaline or the need to fulfill a fantasy. It meant it was the culmination of something bigger. A lot bigger. Something that had been building for a long time. Something I couldn't sweep under the rug and pretend it didn't happen and go back to the life I had before because it meant I haven't been as straight as I thought.

  "I remembered how when I was in the hospital after the accident, the first person I wanted, the only person I wanted when I woke up was you. And when I caught Candace with her boyfriend, instead of outrage or betrayal or hurt, the only emotion I ever felt over that whole thing was relief. I never could understand why...I thought there was something wrong with me that I could care so little what my wife did. But this past week I finally realized why...because I was already in love with you back then."

  Rafferty shoved a hand through his damp hair. "Realizing all this scared the hell out of me. So I tried to sweep what happened between us on the boat under the rug anyway. Tried to pretend to myself and to you it was a passing thing. I know I hurt you when I said it might be a phase. And when I saw the pain I caused you by that one stupid, careless phrase, that's when I knew I was being a selfish ass."

  He shook his head, and as if his legs could no longer hold him, he sank to a crouch and buried his face in his hands. "I'm so sorry, Nick. You were right about everything. I did shut you out. I should have talked to you about all this from the beginning, but I was too scared and too damned selfish, and now I'm afraid I've fucked everything up so badly there's no way to fix it. And the thing is...I'm still scared. Except one thing I know for sure is that I don't want to lose you. Not as a friend. And not as..." He looked up at Raff, his eyes overflowing with emotion. "And not as whatever else this between us might become. That is...if you still want me."

  His heart in his throat, Nick leaned down, grasped Raff's hands in his and pulled him to his feet and into his arms. "I don't want to lose you either," he whispered. "Jesus, Raff, I'm so in love with you I can't think straight half the time. But I don't want you to hurt. I know this is new and hard for you, and I'll do whatever you need. If you need space and time, I understand. Just, please, don't stop talking to me about it, okay?"

  Rafferty leaned back and cradled Nick's face in his hands. "I don't want space, Nick. I tried that this week. It sucked. I want you."

  Nick hardly dared to breathe. "Me, as in..."

  "You as in...please just kiss me."

  For the first time in days Nick felt the beginnings of peace flood through his heart.

  And then they were kissing, relearning each other's tastes, rediscovering how perfectly their lips fit together, how easily their tongues met and danced--knowing just when to slide in easy strokes, and when to thrust in faster, bolder, more sensuous ones that left them both moaning and pressing close.

  Nick tore his lips free long enough to gasp, "Can I take you to bed?"

  "God, yes. And the sooner the better."

  The words sent ripples of heat and excitement through Nick. Without wasting a single second longer, he grabbed Raff by the hand and pulled him down the hall to his bedroom.

  Rafferty turned on the lamp next to the bed. "No more hiding in the dark," he said, his expression serious. "I want to see and experience everything this time."

  Something shi
fted inside Nick, filling him with both love and desire. "Do you have any idea how sexy you are when get all serious like that?"

  A hint of a soft smile teased around Raff's mouth. "No. But I suspect you're about to show me."

  "You suspect right." He wrapped a hand around Raff's head and pulled him into another kiss, while at the same time, slid his other hand under Raff's shirt and began pulling at his belt buckle.

  "You know what else I'm going to do?" he murmured against Raff's lips as he finished with his belt, unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, then jerked them and Raff's boxers down his thighs, exposing his thick, beautiful, and already hard cock.

  "What?" Rafferty gasped.

  Nick untied and tugged off Raff's boots, then pulled his jeans off the rest of the way and threw them aside. He slid his body slowly up Raff's, until they were thigh to thigh, groin to groin, and chest to chest. He cupped Raff's ass and pulled the man closer, settling his bare cock against Nick's jean-covered one and grinding them together until Raff's breathing came out in soft huffs.

  "Remember last time, I told you I was going to make you feel good in ways you'd never felt good before?"

  "Yes," Raff moaned.

  "Well, that was only the beginning." Nick slid his tongue between Raff's lips, twining it around Raff's, sucking on it until Raff bucked against him. "There's so much more."

  He set to work unbuttoning Rafferty's shirt. "So much more. I'm going to touch you in ways and places you've only ever imagined, and you're going to love every second of it, and by morning..." He pushed Raff's shirt off, then pulled the tee he had on under it up and over his head as well, leaving Rafferty nude and fully exposed to his hungry, appreciative gaze. "By morning, you're going to be so utterly sated you're not going to ever want to leave this bed. And then you know what you're going to do?"

  "What?" Raff rasped, his eyes glazed over with lust.

  Nick yanked off his own sweatshirt and slid out of his jeans and briefs.

  "You're going to pick up the phone, call work, and tell them you're still sick and you're taking another day off."

  Raff swallowed hard. His gaze dropped to Nick's groin where his shaft stood full and eager. "Yeah...I'm pretty sure you're right about that."

  "I know I'm right." Nick reached down and captured Raff's cock in his hand, smiling when Raff moaned in appreciation. "And then you know what's going to happen?"

  "Yeah, we're going to stay in bed all day."

  "Yes, we are."

  "Oh, God...for Christ's sake, don't keep me in suspense. Show me."

  Their mouths met in earnest, in hungry demand.

  Without breaking the kiss, Nick pulled back the sheet and down comforter on his bed and pushed Raff backward until the edge of the bed bumped the back of Raff's knees and he sat down.

  Nick pulled his lips free and sank to knees on the floor between Raff's legs. He heard Raff suck in a breath as he lowered his face to the hard shaft standing at attention amidst the dark curls and ran his tongue over the head. Then he blew a puff of air over the shiny wetness, and Raff's breath turned into a groan.

  "You have the most beautiful cock I've ever seen." Not that he'd seen a ton up close and personal, but he wasn't lying. Raff's penis was the like the stuff of porn fantasies...long, thick, with a large head that sent shivers through Nick because he could just imagine how it would feel pressing against his ass, pushing past his tight ring, stretching and filling him. It was big enough he knew it would burn when that big crown went in, but, oh, the burn would be worth it. Oh, God...so worth it. He shuddered and his balls ached just thinking about it.

  "Have you thought about, fantasized about, fucking me?" he asked Raff, looking up at him. "Or having me fuck you?"

  Raff's breath caught, and Nick knew he'd just surprised him by the direct questions. But at the same time, Rafferty's nostrils flared and his cock, only inches from Nick's face, gave a hard twitch.

  "Yes." Raff's voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. "Both."

  Nick swirled his tongue over and around Raff's cockhead, then around the ridge, pausing to lavish special attention on the bundle of nerves on the underside. Raff's fingers slid into his hair, stroking his scalp, and each time Nick's tongue hit a particular sensitive spot, Raff would moan softly.

  Raff's needy little noises, and his warm, aroused scent curled around Nick, only making him hornier, making him want this man more and more, when he'd honestly thought he couldn't possibly want him more than he already did. He gripped the base of Raff's prick and guided it into his mouth. The moment he closed his lips around it, Raff's hips jerked on the bed, and the little moans became big ones. Nick hollowed his cheeks and sucked Raff in deeper, deeper, loving the taste of him, the sleek hardness on his tongue, filling his throat.

  "Nick..." Raff groaned. "Oh, God." His fingers tightened on Nick's head. His hips began to buck.

  But then suddenly he stopped and pushed Nick back. "Wait."

  Nick did, and stared up at him, his heart pounding, wondering if Raff had... No. He didn't believe Raff would change his mind about wanting to be with him. It was something else.

  "What is it?"

  "Can I... Would you..."

  "Just tell me, Raff. Don't ever hesitate to say what you want and need. "

  Rafferty's breathing was ragged and his voice sounded much the same. But his eyes, like dark amber, swirled with such intense desire it nearly stole Nick's breath. "I want to fuck you. I want to be inside you when I come. Is that okay?"

  The words seared through Nick like a forest fire out of control. His cock leapt, his balls ached, and the muscles in his ass tightened in anticipation.

  He rose, slid open the drawer in the bedside table, and pulled out a condom and a bottle of lube. Then he turned to Raff, knowing his lust was probably written all over his face. "How do you want me?"

  A new, even more powerful passion flared in Raff's eyes. He reached out and wrapped a hand around Nick's cock, giving it an excruciatingly slow stroke that almost had Nick coming from only it and the look on Raff's face. "On your back. I want to be able to see you."

  Feeling like his every nerve ending was a live wire, Nick crawled onto the bed and lay on his back.

  Raff had already ripped open the condom wrapper and was rolling the protection down over his generous shaft. But his eyes never left Nick's, and the heat that radiated from them filled him with a sense of completion he'd never before experienced.

  He moved his feet up on the bed so his knees were raised and his legs were spread in invitation. "Come here," he whispered.

  Rafferty didn't hesitate. He knelt between Nick's legs, then leaned down and covered Nick's mouth with his in a slow, intimate kiss that only served to fan the flames between them higher and higher, until Nick thought they might combust.

  And then he heard the snick of the bottle opening, felt the cool probing of a finger against his anus, pushing gently inward. He couldn't have stopped his body's natural reaction if he wanted...he was too keyed up, too needy. He lifted his legs, pulling them back toward his chest, giving Rafferty easier access, and Raff took it, swirling the one finger inside him, then easing a second in to join it.

  Nick panted, his body heavy and hungry for more, and acutely aware the lover touching him so intimately was Rafferty, his best friend, the man he'd loved for so long and thought he'd never have.

  Raff moved his fingers in an ever-deepening circle inside him, intentionally stretching him, but also, intentionally or not, brushing over Nick's prostate, sending jolts of super-charged electricity straight through Nick's cock.

  "I just want to make it easier for you," Rafferty said, his voice low and raspy with desire, yet filled with an emotion Nick had never hoped to hear from him. "I'm afraid I might be big and I don't want to hurt you."

  "Trust me when I tell you you're not going to hurt me," Nick gasped, barely able to form words. "Jesus, Raff...unhh...God, I want you in me. Please...please."

  Raff's gaze singed the hairs on his head
it was so damned hot. "In a minute..."

  Holy, crap. He knows exactly what he's doing to me and he's enjoying it.

  That realization only brought Nick to a new pinnacle of need. He'd never seen this side of Rafferty before, never known the down-to-earth practical man had a such a fucking, sexy, seductive side lurking beneath his surface.

  "You...are a tease," Nick gasped.

  "But it feels good, doesn't it?"

  "I need you...to fuck me...right now! God, please!"

  Raff's smile did things to him he couldn't even describe.

  His fingers slid free and Nick watched him generously lube his sheathed cock, then felt him ease more lube up inside his passage. Even the smallest touches down there now had Nick shaking.

  Then Raff was pressing the big, bulbous head of his cock against Nick, gently at first, but as Nick began to shudder and beg for "More, please, more," Raff seemed to gain confidence and realize he wasn't going to break Nick.

  As Nick had known it would be, the burning pressure made his ass ache. But he'd never wanted anything more, had never craved anyone or anything as much as he craved having Rafferty buried inside him.

  The moment Raff's crown slid past the tight rings of muscle, Raff paused, then with a slow, decisive movement, he pushed the rest of the way in until his balls, hot and heavy, nestled against Nick's ass and Nick was impaled on him.

  Both of them groaned and shuddered, not moving, just getting used to being part of one another.

  "I never knew, Nick... It's so good. So"--he moved just slightly, and they both gasped--"damned good."

  The pleasure for Nick was intense...almost too intense for words. But when Raff moved again, pulling out a small way, then sliding back in, and again, and again, the nerve endings in Nick's ass began to tingle. And that tingle created a warm buzz deep in his balls.

  Rafferty found Nick's shaft and began to pump it in rhythm with their fucking. And next thing Nick knew, he was groaning and panting, meeting every thrust of Raff's with one of his own, until they rocked together in a hazy bliss of building ecstasy.