Out Of My Mind Page 11

  "Don't ever let me pull any bullshit again like I did this week. I need you too much, Nick."

  Touched to his core at Raff's words, Nick pulled him down into a kiss. "I need you, too. I missed you this week."

  "I missed you, too. Hated every second I was away from you. Want...this. Want you...every night... God! I'm going to come now."

  "So am I."

  Rafferty pushed into him so deeply Nick cried out from the intensity of it, and then Nick was exploding, thick pulses of milk bursting from his cock, slicking his stomach and Raff's hand.

  At the same time, Rafferty pumped hard a few more times, then with a uncensored groan, poured his own release deep inside Nick.

  Chapter 10

  * * *

  "Have I told you how damned much I love you?" Nick said.

  "Yeah, but tell me again anyway. I don't think I'm ever going to get tired of it." Raff knew he wasn't ever going to get tired of it.

  "I love you, Rafferty Jones. Every inch of your practical Maine ass, and I don't ever want to live without you again."

  Rafferty gazed down at him, his chest so full of emotion he thought it might burst. "I love you, too. God, Nick, I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it. All that wasted time..."

  "It wasn't wasted. Maybe neither of us was ready until now. Maybe we had to go through the other stuff we've each been through--you and your marriage and divorce to Candace, and me with the crap in Boston, to appreciate what we could have with each other."

  Raff rose from the bed and tossed the condom, then lay back down next to Nick, twining his legs with Nick's and resting his head on one hand.

  Seeing Nick so relaxed and sated and smiling at him...there was a comfort here with Nick that he'd never felt with anyone else, lover or otherwise, in his life. He still wasn't sure how he'd managed to get so lucky, but he wasn't going to take it for granted ever again.

  "Can I ask you a question?" he said.

  "Anything."

  "I've always kind of had this underlying sense that when you moved up here four years ago it wasn't because you were dying to take a job in Maine...more like you wanted out of Boston. But then a couple of times this past week, you've hinted it had something to do with a relationship. And now you've mentioned it again. Did something bad happen there?"

  Nick sighed. "Not bad exactly--well, some parts of it were truly bad--but mostly it was eye-opening."

  "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

  "It's okay. I don't mind. I don't want any secrets between us. And, yes, it was about a relationship. After I'd been in Boston for a while, I met a guy at the library when I was studying one night. And I know, don't say anything...how cute, a guy at the library."

  Raff smiled. "I wasn't going to say that."

  Nick smiled, too. "Well, in truth, he was cute. He was a couple of years younger than I was. His parents were wealthy, old-school Bostonians. He'd gone to a private boys prep school, was in his second year at Harvard, and his name was Jason. We started seeing each other, but he was completely not out to his family, his friends, no one. So it was the big hush. Which bothered me. It wasn't that I made a big deal about walking around with a sign on my chest saying 'I'm gay.' I wasn't, actually, out at work even.

  "Still, I think what bothered me was that Jason would never really let me in, he'd never let me get close. It's like I was always second fiddle after his classes, his friends, his family. I understood...but I wanted to know I was important, too. I didn't say anything, though...just went along because it made him happy."

  Nick looked troubled, and Rafferty was beginning to get a clearer picture of why his actions this past week had hurt Nick so much.

  He leaned close and kissed Nick. "I'm sorry."

  Nick's eyebrows drew together. "For what?"

  "That I tried to pull the same crap on you this week."

  Nick caressed his cheek. "You didn't know about my relationship with Jason, and it was different anyway. Don't sweat it."

  But Rafferty did. He'd been thinking of his own needs this past week and not how they might be affecting Nick. Not until he'd seen that awful look on Nick's face when he'd said he thought maybe Nick was a passing phase. Nick's pain had been like a concrete beam upside the head.

  "Hey, I mean it." Nick was looking at him expectantly.

  Raff sighed. "I know you do. So tell me more about Jason and what happened."

  "Well, I shared a place with my sister Jeannie, and she was totally cool about my being gay--that's why went to Boston in the first place, because she gave me an 'out' to get away from home when my parents pretty much freaked to discover their baby boy was sleeping with another boy. So Jason would come over there sometimes, or we'd meet places, or, he shared an apartment with a couple of roommates, so if he was certain they weren't going to be there, we'd go there. But he was really scared of being found out, so we were always careful.

  "Apparently, though, one night a couple of guys he'd gone to prep school with saw Jason kissing me on the street. We didn't know we'd been seen, but a couple of nights later I went to Jason's apartment because that's where we'd arranged to meet, and I found him horribly beaten."

  "Oh, shit. The 'friends' because he was gay?"

  "Yeah. I took him to the hospital and he told me it had been the two guys, but he refused to press charges, refused to bring the police into it period. Which was hard for me, being a cop. I was furious and wanted them brought to justice. But he absolutely refused because it would mean people finding out he was gay. I tried to explain to him that these guys obviously already knew and would begin spreading it around, so it wouldn't be long until others knew anyway. And, by not saying anything, he was condoning their behavior and nothing would stop them from doing it again, to him or someone else. But, no, he wouldn't budge."

  "Please tell me it didn't happen again..."

  "A couple of months later I was walking Mose one night after dark and just, out of sheer dumb luck, happened upon them attacking him again in a back alley near his apartment. They recognized me as being the one they'd seen with Jason before, but didn't know who I was, didn't know I was a cop. I called for back-up, intervened, and by the time the patrol car showed up, I had the two assholes restrained on the ground."

  "That was risky--they could have beaten the shit out of you, too, Nick. And you were in civvies walking your dog...what did you use to restrain them?"

  Nick gave him a faint smile. "Mose's leash."

  A warm thrum of pride filled Rafferty. Damn, Nick was good. But he'd always known that.

  "So what happened?"

  Nick's smile faded. "The officer who showed up was a real conservative hard-liner. I knew the minute he drove up it wasn't going to go well because that's just the kind of guy this was. But, you know, you still have to believe in the system and believe in a colleague's honesty, right? In a perfect world anyway." He gave a bitter laugh. "I told this cop everything I'd witnessed, and, against Jason's will, also told him this wasn't the first time the two assholes had done this. But it turned out this cop was as homophobic as the kids were. So, even though the kids were taken in for questioning, nothing ever came of it. They were released almost immediately with no charges against them."

  "What?"

  Nick nodded. "After, I guess, seeing how concerned I was over Jason and the situation, the other cop wrote up the report saying Jason and I were lovers, we'd taunted and then instigated the encounter with the other young men, and the other young men had only been 'defending' themselves. He said the kids weren't interested in filing charges against us, so there was no case."

  "The hell he did. That bastard! Abusing the system for his own personal agenda."

  "Oh, it gets better. He also indicated he felt my presence on the police force should come under review because I was a trouble-maker and had started the fight with the 'respectable young men.'"

  "What did you do? You fought it, didn't you?"

  "Of course I did. I was pissed. I went straight
to the top, told my version of the story--the true version--and said the other officer had lied. There was an investigation. Jason was ordered to come in for questioning. In the end, the two punks were brought in and charged. The other cop was given an early retirement because it turned out he'd been under fire before for abusing his position--but before he left, he made sure everyone in the entire precinct knew I was gay and implied I was a rabble-rouser. And Jason broke up with me for outing him and causing him to be alienated from his family."

  "Jesus, Nick, I'm so sorry all that happened."

  Nick shrugged. "Yeah, me, too. But like I said, it was good lessons learned."

  "That's what you meant when you said you wanted people to appreciate you for the job you did rather than who you were doing. They talked about you, even though you were cleared, didn't they?"

  "Of course they did. You know how that goes. I did have several friends on the force who stood by me and never let the crap faze them, who didn't care I was gay, including the captain of my division. I had a spotless record during the years I was there. But generally speaking, because of the rumors and the things the other cop had said, it wasn't a great working environment after that. So when I found out there was a job opening up here, I took it."

  "Nick..." Rafferty paused, not sure how to voice what he wanted to say, but needing to say it because he didn't want Nick to suffer any more crap like he had in Boston.

  "Just say it. Don't ever worry about whether or not you should be honest with me, okay? You can talk to me about anything."

  Rafferty sighed. "Okay. Here goes... I can't promise I'm going to do everything right. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still scared shitless about facing people or having people know about us. But one very hard thing I learned this past week is that I'm miserable without you. And when I was faced with having to make a choice between my fears and you...well, in the end, there was no choice. Look where I am right now."

  "In my bed, where just fifteen minutes ago you were buried balls-deep inside me." Nick's hazel eyes sparkled with mischief.

  "Yeah. And that's where I want to stay."

  The mischief danced away and Nick looked at him all seriousness, his heart in his eyes. "It's where I want you to stay, too." He pulled Rafferty into a kiss. "We'll work through the rest of it together, Raff. There's no timetable for how it works. No requirement that you have to make a public announcement saying you're choosing to live your life in a relationship with a man."

  Rafferty smiled sheepishly.

  "What?" Nick looked at him curiously.

  "Want to hear the real irony?"

  "Lay it on me."

  "I'm scared to have people find out, yet I have this uncontrollable urge to stand out on your deck right now and shout to the world, 'I love this man and I can't believe it took me so damn long to figure it out and I plan on spending the next fifty or sixty or hundred years fucking him senseless to be sure he never forgets how important he is to me!'"

  A chuckle built in Nick's chest. "You planning to go out there buck naked?" He ran a hand down Raff's chest, then lightly grazed it over his semi-erect cock and balls.

  Rafferty grunted in appareciation. "Why? You want to watch me feeze my ass?"

  "No," Nick said, leaning close. "I was thinking of doing other things to your ass...things that would heat you up on a cold, wet fall night."

  "Things?" Raff rasped, feeling his semi-erection growing into something a bit more than that.

  "Mm-hmm."

  Nick was still fluttering his fingers over Raff's genitals, but now he was also running his tongue along the curve of Raff's ear, and for God's sake, how had he never realized just how sexy and seductive that could be? "Like...the 'things' you did to it on the boat?" he whispered.

  "You liked that, didn't you?" Nick words and warm breath against his ear sent shivers that were anything but cold through Rafferty. "You liked feeling my tongue against your hole, in your hole."

  "Jesus, Nick..."

  "Say it."

  Rafferty could still remember in detail how it had felt, how it had sent a hot, swirling liquid heat through his body, how it had been the most erotic sensation he'd ever experienced. He shuddered.

  "Say it..." Nick coaxed.

  "Yes...God, yes...I liked it. Loved it."

  "Rafferty Jones?"

  There he went with the tongue again, this time dipping it into Raff's ear.

  "Unnh! Yeah?"

  "This is your lucky night."

  * * * *

  Rafferty stole awake and tried to stretch, but he realized he couldn't. He was pinned to the bed. By something hot but not unpleasant. It was very pleasant, in fact. And...breathing.

  He opened his eyes to the sight of Nick lying half-atop him, his head resting on Raff's chest, an arm across his waist, and a hard, muscular thigh curled over his own legs.

  A rush of warmth spread through him and he savored the moment.

  Last night had been... God, it had been amazing. But he realized there was something just as satisfying in a different way about waking up in the peace of a new day to find the man he'd made love with all night asleep in bed with him this morning.

  He and Nick. Two months ago, hell two weeks ago, he wouldn't have believed it. And yet, it had been there all the time.

  Ding!

  Woof!

  The sounds startled Rafferty, causing his heart to pound when he realized it was Nick's doorbell, followed by Mose's usual one-bark doorbell announcement from his bed in the living room. But then he looked at his watch and saw it just a little after seven in the morning. Who'd be at the door this early? Maybe Nick's paperman rang the doorbell when he left the morning paper. Where Nick lived out here, just beyond the outskirts of town in a more rural area, it was possible. When Raff was growing up he remembered their paperman and their mailman had rung the bell, just to give them a head's up they'd been there.

  Yeah, that was probably it.

  The doorbell hadn't fazed Nick. The man was dead to the world when he slept. Rafferty remembered Nick hadn't awakened on the boat that morning the Coast Guard volunteer had been using the bullhorn either.

  He chuckled and shook Nick gently. "Hey, Nick... Wake up."

  Nick stretched and yawned, then looked up at Rafferty with an open, sexy smile that made Rafferty's heart squeeze.

  Nick leaned up and kissed him. "G'morning, gorgeous."

  Raff smiled. "Starting with the flattery first thing in the morning?"

  "It's not flattery, stubborn man. It's a fact. Get used to it because you're going to be hearing it a lot."

  Another ripple of contented heat spread through Raff, and this time he instigated the kiss.

  But when the doorbell rang again, followed by another Mose bark, he jerked away out of instinct. "Does your paper guy ring the bell when he leaves the paper? If so, he's being awfully insistent. This is the second time its rung."

  "No, the paper comes around five." Then Nick groaned, rolled off Rafferty and onto his back, and ran a hand through his short, spiky hair. "Mary Jane."

  "Mary Jane your neighbor?"

  "Yes. I bet that's who it is. She's been pestering me since Sunday. I told her I was sick, so she's been wanting to come over and bring me get-well food."

  Rafferty's heart had begun to race again. He tried to breathe and stay calm, but it wasn't working. "Will she go away if you don't answer?"

  "Doubtful. I've been putting her off for two days. I suspect she'd stand out there and ring all day just to make a point." He chuckled and sat up on the side of the bed. "I love her, but I have to say her timing sucks. I'd better go see what she wants."

  "Will...will she be coming in?"

  Nick leaned over, found his jeans, and dragged them on. "Probably. Knowing her she won't give me any choice and she'll push her way in." Then he paused and turned back around to look at Raff, his eyes shimmering in understanding as if he'd just realized what Rafferty was thinking. "It's okay, Raff. You don't have to even leave the bedroom if you'
re not comfortable. But for what it's worth, Mary Jane knows I'm gay. She's known for ages."

  A tiny twinge of hurt welled in Rafferty's gut. "You told your neighbor but you didn't tell me?"

  Nick leaned back down and kissed him. "I told you if it had ever come up I would have been honest about it. There just wasn't any reason for it to come up until recently. But with Mary Jane..." He rolled his eyes. "...I had no choice. When I first moved here, she was trying to set me up with women all the time. I had to tell her in order to put a stop to Mary Jane's Well-Meaning Matchmaking Service." Nick grinned.

  And Rafferty had to, also. He'd met the woman a few times and knew she was full of piss and vinegar. He could just see her on a whirlwind spree of trying to find Nick a woman.

  Ding! Ding! Ding!

  "She's getting impatient. Let me go get the door. And, seriously, no pressure, okay? We'll go as slow and easy on the public appearances as you want. I'm totally fine with it if you want to stay here in bed." He grinned again, but this one was salacious. "In fact, I kind of like the idea of knowing you'll be waiting naked in bed for me once I send her on her way."

  With another quick but no less promising kiss, Nick left the room, making sure to pull the door closed behind him.

  Rafferty sat up, hating this feeling of having to hide. He suddenly understood why it had bothered Nick so much that his boyfriend in Boston had wanted to keep everything about their relationship a secret. Had Nick been forced to hide behind closed doors like this to keep anyone from finding out?

  Except...Rafferty wasn't being forced to stay in here. He'd put himself in this position by choice. And, damn it, he could take himself out of it by choice, too.

  He wasn't going to make Nick feel like they had to sneak around all the time. This was Nick's home where he should feel comfortable. And he'd said his neighbor already knew he was gay. So that only left Rafferty out of the picture, unless he decided to put himself back in it.

  Knowing he had to start somewhere cracking that damned closet door open, he slid off the bed, found his own jeans in a wad on the floor and pulled them on without bothering with underwear. If he had his way, as soon as the neighbor was gone, he and Nick would be clothesless in about two seconds anyway.